do not take me on, you specter;
there’s not a chance that you can win,
i have become your worst nightmare,
as i’m a curmudgeon and wearing thin,
who wandered the world on a dare,
looking for someone to take me on,
i have fought on the shores of hell
to keep the evil ones at bay,
walking away unscathed
to fight another day.
i laugh at your inane presence,
i scoff as you try to engender fear.
for you see, i am a human
imperfect as i am;
yet i know my power
lies within me
to fend off evil such as you.
don’t get behind me, specter,
for i don’t trust you there;
i am an old curmudgeon
and
like you at this very moment,
i shall soon vanish in the air.

This is a bit off my usual stuff. It’s something i’ve been thinking about for a couple of years. It is honor of George Orwell who wrote 1984, Aldous Huxley who wrote Brave New World, and Kurt Vonnegut who wrote Player Piano. i also would like to thank Dave Carey, who gave me a number of ideas included here when we worked together in leadership programs. i hope you don’t mind me wandering off the path a little bit.

Mignon looked at Elmer sitting in THE SYSTEM’s Multipurpose Virtual Transitioning Easy Chair (MVTEC) across from hers. She had not ever noticed the look he had on his face before, not ever.

They were watching a video about the history of the world. Elmer had been browsing on the virtual video programming chart, looking for history topics. She was not particularly interested in history programs. It required thinking, and thinking was work. She figured since what allowed their ancestors to survive The Final War was taking it easy, she would just take it easy and not think too much. She worried about Elmer thinking too much. She was afraid it would get them in trouble with THE SYSTEM.

But Elmer seemed engrossed in the program, even furrowing his brow. Brow furrowing was very rare with the couple as well as all the others who survived The Final War. That horrible ten-year world changing, cataclysmic disaster had occurred in the last years of the 21^st Century. In the following 600 years, the survivors had physically changed. After all, the survivors made it because their only interest was making things easier for themselves. In making things easier, they no longer had to put effort into work, and THE SYSTEM provided all they needed in their SYSTEM living units. Consequently, there was no need to go out, and they began to fill out, their bodies became rounder. So did their heads. And smoother, their heads became smoother, hair disappeared. Their legs became shorter, and once using their fingers to control remote devices had been replaced by sending brain signals to those devices or having them programmed where brain signals were no longer required, their hands became less agile, rounder with fingers becoming stubbier.

The program they watched began narrating the events of the middle of twenty-first century, the Great Thinkers and Doers aided by artificial intelligence, solved many problems threatening the earth and continued to make it easier for everyone when THE SYSTEM was put in place, designed to make things easier.

Mignon and Elmer fit perfectly in the makeup of those who survived. She had noticed in all the programming, the SYSTEM often boasted about its own capability and seemed desirous of making sure all the survivors knew that.

At the outset of the program, it described how the scientists had developed Artificial Intelligence around 2050 to the point they could create an all-encompassing program that would save the world from impending disasters. The Great Thinkers and Doers aided by Artificial Intelligence, had solved many problems threatening the earth and continued to make it easier for everyone. They and AI created THE SYSTEM.

Addressing the threat of global warming, a dome 1,000 miles above and surrounding the earth filtered out the bad from space and allowed the good stuff in. And from below, the bad stuff cleared the filter, but the good stuff remained under the dome, remained in the earth’s atmosphere. THE SYSTEM monitored the dome filtration system, maintaining and modifying it as necessary. Global warming was reversed, and the earth and its climate became stable. The threat of oceans losing water was reversed. Violent weather: tornadoes, hurricanes, earthquakes, and wildfires were essentially eliminated.           

As this occurred, a trouble began. The ongoing rancor between various groups became less prone to compromise and discussion and became more violent, more sectarian. This enmity grew, and soon there were open fights within all the groups that considered their group and their way of thinking as the one and only right answer. This occurred in all religions, the politics of all countries, between those with different sexual preferences, races, cultures, environmentalists, animal protection groups, and even athletic competition at all levels: all human endeavors that grouped people together.

Radicals on both ends of the spectrum in all of those groups began to polarize even more and violence between the differing ideas created more and more violence. The people in the middle attempted to bring about conciliation.           

The first large groups to be wiped out were those very folks in the middle of all the movements. When they tried to mediate the divisions and reach a compromise, but both ends of the groups hated this interference, and both turned on those who were attempting to bring about peaceful co-existence. The middle groups were the first to be wiped out.           

One of the few fortunate occurrences when these no-quarter battles grew and became all-out war was that the violence escalated after THE SYSTEM had neutralized all nuclear weapons as well as any instruments of wars that could kill masses of people with a single blow. Fighting was at a personal level.

Regardless, The Final War broke out in every corner of the world. Factions of every sort on religion, politics, international relations, social mores, environment and more became more and more fractious. The unconditional fighting of the fractious groups was more brutal, evolving in hand-to-hand annihilation.           

The justice systems in every society had worked so well with so many caveats that every prosecution, every civil suit, had evolved in no one being declared guilty. Recognizing the legal system had become useless, the commoners had become irate and assassinated anyone with a law degree.           

Without a method to handle justice, the system gave the bureaucracies the power to administer action against anyone who did not meet their requirements. The resistance against the bureaucracies grew.

For example, the EPA proponents had angered the lumber industry with their demands for reducing paperwork to save woodlands. The latter wiped out the wood forests. Then, the EPA folks and the lumbermen killed each other off in every corner of the world.

And when PETA began to make headway on getting people to reduce the sale of livestock, ranchers and farmers destroyed all the cattle and other livestock. PETA and the agriculture group along with all other groups who relied on animals to make a living slew each other until there was no one of them left.

Other extremes began their own wars with the same result. THE SYSTEM named it The Final War. The conflict expanded world-wide and evolved into everyone fighting everyone else. No one who was the enemy of the others had an ally. It was total destruction.           

The Final War wiped out everyone on the planet except one group. This group had no interest in the war and took no political, cultural, or religious stance. All they wanted was to do what they wanted to do and to make everything easy for themselves. Most ignored the real violence and played video games in their shelters until The Final War had destroyed the rest of the humans on earth.           

They had no agenda in any of the divisive groups. They just wanted things to be easier. Their parents had been the first to buy any product to make life easier, like programs to perform household chores and self-driving cars. They rejoiced when the work week was reduced to four days, then three, and finally eliminated entirely. They had to do nothing. Life was easy. They had no interest in all the conflicts, and therefore were spared, unlike those who tried to make the extremes reach an understanding.           

THE SYSTEM was made for them.           

Now, these folks who just wanted to have things easy had it just the way they wanted it. They had no worries. They didn’t do anything because they didn’t have to do anything. THE SYTEM did it for them.

They spent their time telling THE SYTEM through the voice recognition segment of the communication system what they wanted. They played and watched their sports through videos controlling the action, all virtually. All travel and visits to family, friends, and places was virtual. THE SYTEM managed food production and delivered food to these humans via drones into their shelters.           

Because these humans were doing less and less, they began to evolve. Their legs began to shorten, and their feet shrunk until the legs were mere stumps. They did not have to go anywhere.            Elmer and Mignon were in the eleventh generation of the survivors, the easy living folks.           

Mignon was now worried. Elmer was furrowing his brow, deep in thought, working at trying to understand, and working in anything was not part of their ethos. The program was entertaining. She liked the music, but she didn’t really want to think about the implications of Elmer working too hard to understand the reason for the Great War.           

She said good night to Elmer and had her MVTEC move into their bedroom, turn on the relaxing music. The MVTEC transformed into a bed designed for her personal comfort. She went to sleep easily.           

Elmer sat in his chair, thinking, thinking hard, and working at understanding his feelings about the video. There was something stirring in him he could not define. It was resistance. Generation upon generations ago, he had an uncle who resisted everything. He was labeled a “a contrarian,” someone who did not fit into any niche. Elmer realized the same streak of resistance was in him.

Elmer slowly got out of his MVTEC. That was a most difficult and uneasy thing to do. He found a light jacket on a hanger by the door. The hanger, the door, and the jacket had not been used since he could remember. It was easier to sit in the MVTEC and let THE SYSTEM do everything for him.

It was easier. And that was why he and generations before him had survived The Final War.

But Elmer decided to do something. He put the jacket on. The weather outside was perfect. THE SYSTEM had created that perfectness. And a perfect evening was cool with a slight breeze. A light jacket would make him more comfortable. After all, he wasn’t that far away from wanting things to be easy.

Elmer stood at the door, contemplating what his actions might bring. All of the survivors of The Final War would normally not consider this. But Elmer was different.

Outside was unknown, might require effort. Inside was easy.Elmer opened the door, stepped outside, and closed the door.

It was easy. 

Friday Morning, 5:20 a.m. Maureen’s coffee is made and the newspaper is at the breakfast table. My coffee and ice water are in their respective travel mugs. My golf shoes are already on. All my golf doo dads are in the golf bag, the clubs and battery powered golf cart are in the car. i unhook the cart battery from its charger and put it in the back of hatchback. The house and outdoor lights are out. The house is locked.

i am ready to go except for one last thing. i walk to our garage refrigerator and open the door.

Now, this refrigerator is the successor to my original half-refrigerator for holding a couple of cases of beer. We then bought a new refrigerator for the kitchen and replaced my half one with the old one. A vision of happiness filled my thoughts as i imagined a keg in the bigger refrigerator. That vision never reached fruition as the gourmet chef of the house filled it with 438 different kinds of pasta, every frozen dinner Trader Joe ever considered, cereals, mystic health drinks, exotic ingredients too valuable to store in a pantry, and for me, a case of Topo Chico sparkling water and the small bottles of Gatorade for hot walks and golf rounds. Last week, recognizing there had been no beer in that refrigerator since the Sphinx was built, she conceded and brought home six-pack of Lagunitas Lil’ Sumpin’ IPA for me. i had one in celebration. There were five left.

i picked up a Gatorade in one hand and a IPA in the other. i looked at both. i considered my options. It was the Old Man Dilemma.

And in a victory for all things healthy and pure and medically approved, at least for the aged, i put the IPA back in the refrigerator and took the Gatorade with me.

i bragged about my will power and good intentions to my FMG buddies.

Later, i admitted i would have taken my beloved Lagunitas but i knew Maureen would open the garage refrigerator to get some exotic ingredient she stored there…

And she would count the bottles.

Dilemma solved: Good decision, if not an honorable one.

The morning began innocently routine enough. i did my breakfast, cat chores, made the coffee, did a stretch with a promise to do a complete routine before the day was over, sat down to the #$^^&&*)(^!!!#$%X computer. Innocence, routine, all sensible things gone.

The email said one of my “plugins” — That should have been my first hint. i don’t see a damn thing to plug in on this modem — would be automatically renewed. So, good, old fashioned me went to the website to update my Visa card that had been scammed and was changed, then shredded, all things i never used to consider. The site asked me to log in, like it was a speak easy. Uh Oh. It asked me for my user name. i typed in my email address. It told me my user name could not be my email address. i logged into my password saver doohickey. No such animal there.

So, i said to myself, my dear bride meticulously keeps a printed copy of all of our logins and passwords, which i have purloined and have ready to update in that pile, which was once my “action” pile, in the closet i put there when i cleaned the office two weeks before in preparation for the cleaning ladies to clean (here we go again).

i am now going through that “action” pile. The passwords, etc. are somewhere there. i vowed to spend my day getting all of it done, gone, up to date. i began. And what should fall out first. The photos below. They were in Kodak yellow 6 x 3 3/4 inch folder. Two had been torn out along the perforated lines at the top.

The other three are of my younger brother and best friend Joe on his third birthday several years ago, Castle Heights Avenue, Lebanon, Tennessee, 1952. i do not recognize the younger child with him in one of the photos where Joe is wearing his cowboy hat (of course). By the by, that tree that is beginning to bloom in the background was one of the three peach trees we had on the southern edge of our yard. They had very little yield and the peaches we did get weren’t very good so those trees left us somewhere in the mid-’50s. And that wagon was the first Utility Vehicle par excellence.

i intend to keep on chooglin’ with the “action” items. It needs to be done. But it will be less odorous now, because with each action and the old man mandated stretch in between. i will chuckle. No, it won’t be a chuckle. These will be an old man giggling…and wishing for the good ole days.

It was in the late spring of 1957. i was already a love lorn teenager at 13, a seventh grader at Lebanon Junior High School. It was a Saturday. i had once again gone to a Saturday afternoon matinee at the Capitol Theater, a “B” Western preceded by the “Movietone News” reel, a Looney Tunes cartoon (hopefully), and a serial, “Rocket Man,” “Lash Larue, or “Buck Rogers.” Admission was a quarter. i had a Three Musketeers candy bar for a nickel and a coke for a dime.

After the movie, i went to the Tasty Shop next door and had a “suicide coke.” i don’t remember the cost but if was more than a dime, i would be shocked.

For some strange reason, perhaps because i was a lazy teenager, i called home for a ride instead of walking five blocks. i walked across Main Street to await my ride on the sidewalk by Bradshaw’s Drug Store. Perhaps it was from the Bradshaw’s soda fountain counter by the prescription order and pickup window. i really don’t know.

But while i stood there, a song wafted through the air. It was the Coaster’s just released “A” side of a two-sided 45 RPM. The “B” side was “Young Blood,” which still makes me smile today. The “A” side was supposed to be humorous as well, i suppose. But in my state of mind, it connected with me. “Searchin’.” Yeh, i thought, even then i was searchin’ for the love of my life.

My search took off and i found many wonderful women, two of whom i married, i thought had ended my search. But i found out the search had a ways to go: nobody was at fault; the fit just wasn’t long term.

The search continued. The Coaster’s song was on my mind:

Yeah, i’ve been searchin’
Ah-a, searchin’
Oh yeah, searchin’ every which a’way yay-yay
Oh yeah, searchin’
Ah-a, searchin’
Searchin’ every which a’way yay-yay
But i’m like the Northwest mountie
You know i’ll bring her in some day
(Gonna find her)
(Gonna find her)

Well now if i have to swim a river
You know I will
And if i have to climb a mountain
You know i will
And if she’s hiding up on a blueberry hill
Am i gonna find her?
Child, you know i will

‘Cause i’ve been searchin’
Oh yeah, searchin’
My goodness
Searchin’ every which a’way yay-yay
But i’m like the Northwest mountie
You know i’ll bring her in some day

Well Sherlock Holmes
Sam Spade got nothing
Child, on me
Seargent Friday
Charlie Chan
And Boston Blackie
No matter where she’s hiding
She’s gonna hear me coming
Gonna walk right down that street
Like Bulldog Drummond

‘Cause i’ve been searchin’
Oh Lord now, searchin’
Mmm child, searchin’ every which a’way yay-yay
But i’m like the Northwest mountie
You know i’ll bring her in some day

Tonight, Maureen and i concluded a five-day personal celebration of our 40th anniversary by going to one of our favorite places, one where we had celebrated before, the Wine Vault and Bistro. It was a six-course, paired wine with Turley Zinfandel’s featured. It was forty years from when my search came a wonderful conclusion.

You see, i did find her: