i am alone.

Maureen is not here. Yeah, yeah, i know, it’s only five days. But the last couple of nights i felt alone.

i cooked my own meals, i did that for about six years a long time and am…er, capable, but i can’t find anything in the kitchen. The kitchen is hers now. i am a stranger.

i took care of her cats. They like me when she’s not here. After all, i feed them. They like me to give them a little attention, but it pales to their affection for Maureen.

Last night, i was sitting in the family room with only my reading light on. i put down the computer and just sat there thinking, reflecting, something i am not accustomed to doing although it has become more frequent in short moments as i age. As i reflected on life, i caught a movement across the room. It was likely just a reflection from outside. i started to talk to her. She was not there.

i make the bed in the morning, something she does as i am always up much earlier. The first morning, i started making her coffee before realizing she wasn’t there. We talk and text several times each day. i’m glad she’s having fun but it’s not the same here.

Finally, i fixed the hiccup in my get-a-long. She’s coming back Sunday. i conjured up a memory, when i was single again in College Station, Texas. As my former wife and i were struggling to cut the ties while minimizing the negatives for our young daughter. i had bought a small home. After my day at the NROTC unit at Texas A&M, i would change into my running gear, put the potatoes to bake in the oven, and then go on a five-mile run. When complete, i would feed the three-legged cat and the Old English Sheepdog. Then, i would pull out the cast iron hibachi, prep it with charcoal, light it, and close it for the funnel effect to get the coals roaring. i would take a shower, clean up, put the steak on the hibachi and make a salad. Toast with butter and a glass of wine completed the meal. i was in a good place and didn’t know it.

So tonight, i did some modifications from about seven years of bachelorhood before Maureen and i were wed. i cut corners by buying a grocery deli potato salad rather than baking a potato. i was tired of beef, so i grilled a pork chop, with the jim jewell marinade, which will never be duplicated since i won’t remember what sounded good to me tonight. A salad, sautéed mushrooms and onions for the pork chops, Maureen’s incredible bread, toasted with butter completed the serving with a delightful zinfandel.

i still got it.

But i still miss her.