Category Archives: A Pocket of Resistance

A potpourri of posts on a variety of topics, in other words, what’s currently on my mind.

Dark Side of the Hill

The old man sat in the darkest corner of the bar on a tall bar stool next to an elevated cocktail table, i think they call it.

He was sipping on his chardonnay. He would have three or four over the course of several hours before driving home in the old Pontiac station wagon. The chardonnay had replaced the whiskey on the rocks or the well martinis or the gin and tonics he used to down when he wasn’t drinking draft beer. His home was just over a block away from the bar, drinking just wine slowly was safe enough he figured.

He had lived hard, wild. Navy, playing dice games at the bar long ago, carousing, fighting for his country and in bars like this one. His first wife left him for an insurance salesman. His second wife died young, breast cancer. One son had moved to Spain. One was a lumberjack in Canada. No one else.

The regulars knew him. The female bartenders and the waitresses adored him, thought he was cute. He despised “cute.” He didn’t partake of the bar banter, just watched, listened while sipping his wine, remembering.

This late afternoon, the young’uns at the bar were grousing about how bad the world was and, of course, they were expounding on how to fix it. This went on for about a half-hour.

In his dark corner, the old man cackled.

The boisterous bar denizens stopped and looked at the old man.

“Why are you laughing, old man? You don’t know nothing about what it’s like today.”

The old man rose from his table tossing his money with a generous tip down by his empty wine glass and starting for the door, turned and said, “You are right, you blithering whippersnappers. I don’t know nothing ‘bout all that crap you are blowing into this bar.

“But unlike you, i’ve been to the dark side of the hill.”

The old man turned, swung open the door, walked to his Pontiac, and drove home.

The crowd was quiet, puzzled.

One, contemplating his beer glass, quietly commented, “I wondered what he meant about being on the dark side of the hill?”

the dark side of the hill

I was walking down a small-town street
a cold, harsh Sunday
when from a corner of an alley
a huddled, gnarled old man
leering from under a soiled and torn fedora
spoke to me:

“I have been to the dark side of the hill,
my boy,
“I can tell by your gait,
you are headed there;
frivolity and adventure
are what you seek,
but it’s not there,
son.”

I paid no heed, passing away
from the old man,
continuing to pass through
the sun-reflecting snow
to the zenith of the hill,
and on.

the wind is biting
on the dark side of the hill;
there is no sun
to disperse the cold.

now, on some small-town street
on a cold, harsh any day
in the corner of an alley,
a huddled, muddled, gnarled old man
waits.

i have been to the dark side of the hill;
my gait is altered.

Christmas Gift

Things have been happening to me in the last week or so that would make an old man grumpy, and they did.

My clutch went out, which turned into my transmission went out. It happened halfway down the hill from the San Diego Zoo, which is pretty appropriate. i sat there on a Tuesday afternoon for more than three hours, followed by an hour drive in a tow truck, time i had planned for doing something productive.

i won’t go deeply into the repairs but it will take at least a week and north of $5000 to get the car back. i am planning to have this car until i can’t drive anymore because i drive better with a standard transmission and about the only new cars left with standard transmissions are sports cars, and i am too old to drive a sports car. i had four of them in my life, loving every one of them, but i’ve seen old men driving sports cars. They look silly to me. The “courtesy car” the dealership loaned me is new and i can’t find the right button for anything. i couldn’t even turn the lights off at the Naval Air Station’s main gate. i finally found the right buttons and dials to turn off the rap music the previous driver had set on the radio.

This past weekend i had my laptop computer assessed and told it was working great. Of course, they reformatted the hard drive, and i had to restore a bunch of stuff. Then yesterday, it did something strange and i could not boot it up, even though i would have liked to boot it somewhere. With the help of Jamie at Apple Care, it is back. Not fun.

i am finding more things to ache due to my aging. Sometimes, it’s doing things i should no longer do. Sometimes, it’s exercising too much. Sometimes, it’s not exercising enough. Sometimes, it’s just from sleeping the wrong way. And i don’t know what the right way to sleep for me really is. Then, i feel guilty because all of my physical problems are minuscule compared to family and friends with real health challenges.

Grumpy.

But something made it all right.

Somewhere around the tale end of elementary school, my family began a tradition for Christmas. i suspect Aunt Evelyn Orr, my mother’s older sister, started the family doing it. When two of our family saw each other for Christmas, the one who said “Christmas Gift” first was supposed to get a present from the one whom they had met. At least, i think that was what was supposed to happen although i don’t think the “loser” ever gave that gift. Still, it was fun and for some reason when someone said “Christmas Gift” to me, it made me smile, even laugh, and feel good.

That tradition will not be practiced here this year with the possible exception of Maureen and i saying it to each other (and then giggle). One of our daughters will be with my son-in-law and grandson in Texas. The other will be with her man and his family near Las Vegas. We decided it would be best not to go to Signal Mountain this year for the trip we’ve made almost every year since 1992. We will have Maureen’s sister Patsy, and hopefully her son Mike over for brunch.

So, Christmas will be a little lonely this year.

You see on Tuesday, i had just finished my secret run for final Christmas presents when the damn clutch went out halfway down that hill. It was a beautiful Southwest corner day. i was buying special gifts and found myself wanting to buy more, spend foolishly for folks whom i care about dearly. i wanted to give more for all of my friends and family. i didn’t. After all, finances are a bit more critical than they used to be.

But the feeling i got was nothing short of amazing. i felt good. It felt like Christmas. The feeling was like the one i got when i read Judy Gray’s Christmas wish poem to her 1962 Lebanon High School class. No, i wasn’t in that class, i graduated from the military prep school across the street. But the fellow citizens my age of Lebanon Tennessee adopted me. There not too many things that have made me feel better than that in my life. And the poem brought back that sense of belonging. The poem and my last little gift acquisitions truly made it feel a lot like Christmas.

To all of you who read this, i hope you get that same feelings i had come over me, and…

Christmas Gift.

Music

i am sitting here as i normally do. What television we normally watch in the evenings didn’t demand our senses tonight: we left it off.

We had a wonderful repast of Maureen’s renderings. She is taking her bath and will retire with her kindle until she falls asleep. The fire is slowly dying as i sit besides the warm remnants. i will not last much longer. The night is calling me.

i just finished Joseph Conrad’s “Heart of Darkness.” It is an amazing, dark tale, captivating to me. Conrad’s talent in deep thought writing continues to blow me away. It occurred to me not many people nowadays would enjoy his work, or even finish it. It takes work. Good work with a reward if you think about it. Conrad takes me to the depths and width of human nature.

i should stay up a little longer to escape an absurd early rising, something for which i have gained a reputation. Nightly old age meds have been taken.

So, i simply am listening to music, my music, i have turned off Apple music and all of the other streaming music services. My library is about 4500 tunes of my music. i am going down the list, picking out the ones i want to listen to this solitary evening — the Everly Brothers’ “All I Have to Do is Dream” just finished playing.

Lately, i have found a great deal of comfort in my music. In the beginning of this week, i pulled out the LP “The Essential Hank Williams.” A great playlist including “My Bucket’s Got a Hole in It,” “Move It On Over,” “Honky Tonkin’,” and two that mean a great deal with me. “I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry,” has been covered by a seemingly unending list of artists and almost every genre and remains one of my all time favorites. It is my “lonely” song. Then, there is “Kaw LIga” about the wooden indian standing outside the antique store who was in love with the wooden indian maiden who was bought by a rich man and taken away. But he stood there and never let it show. Such a wonderful story of human tragedy with so much meaning, deep meaning if you think about it.

And i got to sing it. Knew it by heart. My older cousin, Graham Williamson, who later played fiddle for Roy Acuff, was baby sitting me with his wife Mary Ellen and his band in their home — i think it was over on Sunset Drive — when i was about ten. His band was practicing. Then, he asked me to sing “Kaw Liga” with the band. i belted it out, knew every word, with feeling.

After listening to old Hank, i pulled out my Platter’s albums. Oh, “The Great Pretender” brought tears to my eyes. 1955, i was a blubbering, heads-over-heels in love as an eleven-year old and they played it at the soda fountain. i almost cried. And their songs accented my romances until i was well into my thirties.

And tonight, as i scrolled though my library, i thanked the gods of ancient wax for my appreciation of music.

Most of that story has been told here in various posts of the past. Perhaps the most impact on my music appreciation journey was WCOR. i worked AM, 900 on your dial on the weekends as the “weekend warrior with sounds to lay down…they may sound scratchy but it’s just the gold dust in the grooves.” i also worked 107.3 on your FM dial, which boasted of easy listening music and a plethora of public service announcements. My shift was weeknights from 7:00 to 10:30 P.M. when i shut down the station for the night. i also worked Sunday mornings on FM, following with my afternoon Top 40 stint.

For the first couple of months on FM, i played just what was required. i would pull down an easy listening LP from the shelves surrounding the studio from floor to ceiling. i would put it on the turntable, announce the artist, and let it play. When side one was over, i would play a public service announcement while turning it over and then play the other side. i would read a short news summary and the weather report on the hour and half-hour. i got quite a bit of studying done. i also got a little bored.

So sometime around the turn of the year, i invented the evening show, “A Potpourri of Music.” i played jazz, classical, show tunes, big band, and all sorts of other things i found in those shelves except for country and rock and roll — those records were down the hall in the AM studio. i would announce the artist and read some of the attributes from the back cover of the LP jacket.

In the summer after the station had revised the AM and FM formats, FM had a short headline or weather every ten minutes under the umbrella of “accent” news. i turned my “Potpourri” into “Summer Accent.” i would lead off with Tony Bennett’s “Once Upon a Summertime” over which i related the theme for the next three and one half hours.

It was enjoyable, i was learning a lot, but my studying took a hit. i then had to find time for that in between my work as the Wilson County correspondent for The Nashville Banner in the afternoons as i was commuting to MTSU in the mornings with Jimmy Hatcher and others.

Tonight, i listened to the Platters again. “Twilight Time:” “Heavenly shades of night are falling / It’s twilight time / Out of the mist your voice is calling / ‘Tis twilight time. // When purple coloured curtains / Mark the end of day / I’ll hear you, my dear, at twilight time / Deepening shadows gather splendour / As day is done / Fingers of night will soon surrender / The setting sun…

Ahh, visions of past loves, innocence, the coolness of a summer night in that little town smack dab in the middle of Tennessee.

They don’t make ’em like that anymore.

Memories of Yore: Christmas A’coming, Rain at Sea, Morphing Joy, and a Smile

The tree is up by me and decorated by Maureen. The “Noel” sign is up. It is all mine and an incredible jury rig (that’s for my sea-going friends), Rube  Goldberg affair, that if i keep improving for the next 20 years, it might look professional – a later post will repeat the horrors from about 25 years ago.

It’s been a weekend plus of stray thoughts running through this empty head. It hit me today’s sports announcers sound more like gossipers on the corner and tell me more than i care to know to support their latest analysis, accurate or not. Then, the ones for Sunday night football all predicted the Chiefs would win. I couldn’t put up with the post-game mumbo jumbo, but i’m betting none of them brought up the fact they were wrong: sullies their reputation they think, i guess.

The below were thoughts not yet well captured. i’m working on making them better, but i have been known to sluff off on finishing such things, so here they are:

antiquity me

i prefer a cedar Christmas tree
chopped down by us
in a world long ago
in a place far away
and
we decorated the tree
in the small living room
with only a real holly wreath
hanging on the front door –
i know because around six-years old
i stuck a holly berry
up my nose
requiring the family doc,
Doctor Lowe of local renown,
coming over to remove
the berry with tweezers –
they were simple decorations
compared to today’s lawns with
plastic myriads of comic characters,
religious figures, legends epitomized
with enough lights to light up Vegas
but
if they like fake,
go for it i’m okay with that
just prefer
something simpler
for i’m old fashioned.

storm clouds

i have seen the storm clouds gathering
over the horizon
two points off the starboard bow,
NNE or Nor, Nor, by NorEast,
storm clouds, cumulonimbus,
fearsome dark gray-black,
would bring us to the reality of
the omnipotence of the sea,
finding it beautiful,
fearsome, yes, but beautiful;
remembering, i wish
i could see them gathering again,
feel the power,
smell the coming rain
again.

no running

remember when you were a young’un
feeling the pure unbounded joy
of running?

i remember when i learned
my best friend’s mother
died too soon,
running as fast as i could
in a steady spring rain
until i thought my lungs would burst,
feeling some relief.

i remember taking up running
in the middle of the divorce,
not knowing how to pace myself,
then stop, winded
only a short distance
before walking home.

i remember running
through rice paddies, jungle,
a mud hut village
in Sri Lanka in the rain feeling
like i was a young’un again
running with unbounded joy.

i remember running on Coronado’s beach
at noon every weekday,
often with friends matching pace,
feeling like i was floating on the waves.

I remember the grinding up and down hills
in near euphoria;
endorphins i think they call them
and
later while grinding, panting,
finding it was now work, labor,
not near euphoria;
now, i walk,
doc’s orders:
says i’m too old to run,
something might break;
lord, when i walk,
it’s okay, even enjoyable sometimes
but
not like running;
not like running.

a place i knew

i would like to take you
to a place i knew
it is no longer there,
blown away by changes through time.

it was a lovely place
quiet, peaceful,
on the shoreline of a creek,
a spring just off the dock;
folks there didn’t lock their doors,
homes or cars,
until it was time to go to bed.
children played outside;
walked to school by themselves;
rode one-speed bikes with abandon
all over town,
often with baseball cards in the spokes
to sound like a motor bike,
hah!
men fishing on the bank
in the early morning,
late afternoon,
for crappie mostly;

this is no judgement of mine,
only the observation
old men remember fondly
things being not like then:
i’m too old to criticize the younger;
they will have their own memories
to cherish and miss.

End of…?

The turkey is smoked and carved. Maureen is close to finishing the other dishes. We will have her sister Patsy, our nephew Mike, and Marti,a very nice lady who shares a home with Patsy over for the dinner. They will arrive shortly. i am very happy with the assembly. It will be a nice day.

But there is a dark cloud hanging over me.

It has been three days since it ended.

i don’t see it returning.

i, along with Fred Russell, J.B. Leftwich, and Bill Frame are dismayed at the end of an era.

Maureen and i made a hard decision and cancelled our subscription to The San Diego Union-Tribune newspaper this past week. Our last paper was delivered Monday.

i have been reading a newspaper or two or three since my earliest days. i suspect it was around four years old when i started looking at the comics. By seven, i was actually reading them. A year or so later, i started reading the sports pages and became enrapt with Fred Russell’s column “Sidelines” on the left hand side of the Nashville Banner’s front sports page.

The Banner was the afternoon newspaper. It leaned toward the liberal Southern Democrat persuasion(if there was such a thing) . The morning paper was the Nashville Tennessean. It was of the conservative Southern Democrat persuasion. i didn’t care. i was devoted to Fred Russell, Dudley “Waxo” Green, and George Leonard. Politics were not part of my world. Again to quote Bob Seger, “i wish i didn’t know now what i didn’t know then.”

i read the Banner and the weekly Lebanon Democrat. J. Bill Frame, our neighbor was the publisher and editor of that paper until i left for the Navy.

Going away didn’t stop me from reading newspapers. In my first tour on the USS Hawkins out of Newport, RI, one of my greatest pleasures was getting the New York Times Sunday edition, eating breakfast and with the Times‘ sections spread all over the living room floor, sitting there on the rug with my coffee and spending the entire morning reading the paper.

When i went to carrying Koreans to Vietnam and back, i grabbed the Navy Times and read it cover to cover. Also, my grandmother would send me the weekly “Route 7 News” by Mrs. Wesley Thompson. i was enthralled with Mrs. Thompson’s down home news.

And then, as i was contemplating how to return to sports writing after my Navy obligation was served, one of the best guys around, John (Yanch) Johnson, offered me a job at his family’s newspaper, The Watertown Daily Times in Watertown, New York.

It was an incredible two years there. i was the understudy to Jack Case before taking over the sports editor when he retired. i was up to my neck in sports. We covered all of the local sports, college sports, introduced me to college hockey. When Jack retired, i ran a full page of photos of Jack with luminaries of the 30’s and 40’s: Lou Gehrig, Sonja Henie, Max Schmeling, and Ray Robinson — Jack gave Robinson his moniker when, after an amateur bout Jack visited the victor’s dressing room and stated, “Ray, you are as sweet as sugar.”

i was immersed in the new and old of sports journalism. The Watertown Daily Times and the Sunday New York Times were intrinsic for my living — and there was something wonderful about sitting in that upstairs apartment reading the paper with five or six feet of snow outside.

Later, there was a short period of time when i was in newspaper heaven. In the mid-1980’s, we were getting the Los Angeles Times’ San Diego edition in the morning. In the afternoon, we got the San Diego Tribune. i felt…educated.

But the LA paper for San Diego went away. The Tribune was merged with the Union and became a morning composite, The San Diego Union Tribune. Original owners died. The paper was sold. Money for the corporations or major gazillionaires used what was left for their purposes, not for newspaper journalism as i knew it. Finally, the latest sale went to a corporation, much like the latest owners of the Democrat. Minimal staff, minimum news, financial thinking i don’t understand is apparently their guideposts.

Oh yes, the cost of reading a real newspaper has gone through the roof…for not much newsprint.

So we ditched it and are using…yep, you guessed it, the cloud, for our news. To bring me some succor for such a wound, we are getting the Sunday edition of the New York Times. i am blown away, even with this as the sports section has become a separate entity. i read superb journalism, wishing i could match their knowledge, their research, and the ability to put words together.

My era of the daily newspaper is over for us. We’ll get by, but it’s been a part of our morning ritual for over thirty years: the morning paper with breakfast and coffee.

And now, i have to figure out what to use to start our evening fire in the hearth.