This began somewhere over Arizona or New Mexico.

We are headed to Nashville. It’s a three to four hour flight. There is lots of time to think.

i’ve been thinking about my recent posts concerning coming home for Christmas. i reread a couple. Good warm thoughts, you know; this Christmas cheer thing. i’m pretty good at it. There is nothing wrong with that by the way. In fact, that is the way it’s supposed to be.

The old saw about there being more suicides during the Christmas season has been debunked, but i know there is a lot of sadness around this season of Joy and Noel. i have some of it.

i haven’t had a Christmas without a tinge of sadness since 1977.  There always has been someone missing or something just a wee bit out of kilter ever since then. i won’t go into why. There are quite a few events that have placed that tinge in my heart during these  forty otherwise glorious Christmases between now and then. There is no need to beat dead horses (oh, the politically correct will have a field day with that phrase).

Four of those Christmases in the past forty years were alone, or alone as someone can be surrounded by shipmates somewhere far away. Not too much to regret about that. i signed up for it…well, not exactly to be away from home on holidays, but i knew that was part and parcel of my deal. Can’t complain.

A Christmas i’ll always remember: Maureen’s and my second, 1984. Just the two of us and two dear friends to whom we are still close. Jacksonville. Maureen and i had missed our first Christmas together. i was in the Indian Ocean. But we made up for it in ’84. i remember the antics of Doc Kerrigan and i on Christmas Eve, which i shall not go into here, maybe later. Later that evening, Maureen and i attended the service at the nearby Episcopal Church. The 11:00 p.m. service. It was small, quaint, beautiful, and wonderfully decorated, tastefully. i felt like i was in a Currier and Ives Christmas scene (without the snow). We sat in the small balcony. The music captured us, took us to a land of peace, just the two of us together with hymns on our first Christmas. Christmas Day was spent with our new friends. Laughter, fun, joking around. Couldn’t have been much better. But somewhere in all of that, in fact several times, the tinge smacked me on the back of my head.

Just to be clear that tinge of sadness will creep in this year again. i am into a day on the ground in Nashville and my hometown and the tinge already has whispered to me. That could be nostalgia. We are staying in a motel. In my hometown. We always stayed with my parents, not hotels or friends before. We thought of staying with my friends again, but i didn’t want to infringe on their Christmas plans with family. It seems strange. We went to the cemeteries this morning to say our good wishes to those who won’t be with us this Christmas. Graveside is a lovely place to reflect on wonderful times past, of course with a tinge of sadness.

We drove around town. i was glad to see the square moving back into a neat place to be with boutique shops, the antique stores seeming to be more quaint than shabby. There is even a restaurant or two. Reminded me of old Lebanon except for that ugly Burger King franchise on the northwest corner of North Cumberland. That burger store and other replacements of places in my past made me realize Lebanon isn’t exactly my hometown anymore. That’s okay. Things change. i just had to deal with another tinge of sadness.

But i’m okay, by the way. As with all things in life, tinges of sadness at Christmas time are part of it. i go back to my mantra developed out of the blue when i was handling the arrangements for my father-in-law’s final round of golf (we spread his ashes on the hole where he made his first hole in one). Ray Boggs was more than the father of my wife, he was one of my closest friends. The impact finally hit me hard. i almost lost it. Then, it came to me i should behave and deal with it the way he would want me to deal with it. And he would want me to celebrate, have a good time, remember the good times, certainly not be sad, and certainly not lose it. i didn’t. That is my guideline for getting past losing it, getting past tinges of sadness.

i got through my nostalgia tinges today, and i will get through them for the rest of this season. But they will be there.

And i will have a “merry” Christmas. In fact, it will be glorious. It’s about the birth of that guy that brought a promise that still hangs in the air. A new beginning. New hope.

Joy to the World.

We saddle up the big horse in the sky tomorrow headed east.

Home.

Too long away. Always is too long.

Too short of a stay. Always is.

i miss home.

But the stay is also too long.

Sometimes i wonder why we go.

After all, i went Christmas shopping last Thursday and just happened to wander into Balboa Park. It was seventy-two, no wind. i parked by the carousel, wound my way past the Casa del Prado Theater and the Natural History Museum to look out on the fountain. The Timken Museum is on the left, the Botanical Building on the left, and the lily pond just past the Timken make it a peaceful vista.

i look back at the covered walkway of  the Casa del Prado. i would like to just sit and contemplate, maybe bring a note pad and write a few words. History seems to lie here. Very few just sit and contemplate: too many things to see and experience. It is a big, lovely place in the middle of the now big city, an escape in the midst of madness.

i pass the Botanical Building, home of about a gazillion ferns and plants of all kinds of variations. It is cool inside, even in the Santa Ana’s. Someday, i plan to actually stay for a while when i go inside, study the plants, learn a little biology. It would be good to get smart about plants and those strange ferns. But i have other things to pursue.

i walk past the Timken and look out at the plaza, a place to mingle. It is a comfortable place with nice dining on the edges, much better since they closed off the plaza to traffic. i try to imagine 1915 and the California Pacific International Exposition, which created these buildings, this atmosphere. It is not hard to imagine.

i look at the California Tower and the Old Globe beneath it. Magnificent structures and the Old Globe, close to an exact replica of the original with many plays, especially those of Shakespeare, and i think i just don’t go to enough of them. i have enjoyed every one i’ve seen in that place, yet i always seem to find reasons to not go. Crazy.

i must go. It’s only been less than an hour, too short a time, always too short, too many things to get done. on my walk back to the car, i pass the Morton Bay Fig tree, enormous now, planted as a small sapling at the exposition in 1915.  It is about eighty feet high and close to 150 feet wide, one of nature’s ways to make us feel small with her majesty.

But i will not tarry here this season. It’s time go home and see friends and family. Again, i ask myself why. i have friends here:

Jim and Sharon Hileman and Pete Toennies with his Christmas lights sweater, fortunately turned off for this photo. Sharon went to high school with Maureen; life-long friends. Jimbo was my second golfing buddy in San Diego. The first, our best man, the helo pilot Dave O’Neill, is somewhere in South Dakota dove hunting…and Pete, well, i think i’ve said enough about him.

Then there is the “Grand Whiner” of the Friday Morning Golf Curmudgeons with a fez  we gave him to prove it, and a hero few know about, Marty Linville with his wife Linda, a Chiefs fan through and through. Next to them is Joanne Stark, Irish through and through who loves French and is from Boston. the profile on the edge is the goofy guy.

Rod Stark with Joanne and the goofy guy. Rod is a great golfer, a former club pro and the guy who almost read my retirement speech while i was with my wife in labor…but i made it. He’s one of the nicest guys around. There will be more about the goofy guy in a later post.

It’s not a great photo of Nancy, but she is one beautiful lady, like six feet tall and can turn heads when she goes to brunch at the Hotel del Coronado’s Crown Rook with a five-six goofy guy. She is also caring beyond belief. She has been tending to one or both of her parents for twenty years. Pete helps, and they both have included us as family on many outings.

And of course, there is this native San Diegan who just happens to be my wife. This is her home yet she follows me…no she doesn’t follow we go side by side anywhere together. Have been doing that for a long time. She fits in with every family and friend i have, perhaps even better than me. She is sophisticated and sometimes unabashedly a little crude. She loves jokes; she laughs and the whole world laughs with her. And San Diego is her place. So i wonder why are we going to travel across the country where i won’t play golf, where i won’t go to Balboa Park on a perfect day in December.

After all, we have a tree, a beautiful one at that thanks to Maureen and Sarah, and, i mean we haven’t had but two Christmases here since we moved in 1989. We had Christmas at Maureen’s dad’s house from our third year together — the first i was in the Indian Ocean, and the second (another sea story) we spent with Frank and Jan Kerrigan in Jacksonville. That was a long time ago and i think it would be lovely to have Christmas here, and i could play golf the next day, and we could go to Balboa Park the next, and the zoo the next, and dine at our favorite places, and take a walk along the ocean, and we wouldn’t have the stress of Christmas travel, or the pain of packing and unpacking and packing and unpacking, and getting home and sorting through the mail, and spending time with the neighbors and…

But you know what? We’ve been coming to Lebanon and Chattanooga, or rather Signal Mountain since 1992 and it’s Christmas, our Christmas, and my sister plays the bells in the Christmas Eve and home. Well, home is home and will always be home.

i’m glad i’m headed east for Christmas.

They are heroes. Real heroes, not the military and first responder kind of heroes, but heroes never-the-less. They are also kin.

They live about a day’s drive from here.

Stefanie is my wife’s brother’s daughter. Therefore, i’m kin. Eric Johnson is Stefanie’s husband. Therefore, he is my kin. Stefan is Stefanie’s son. Therefore, he is my kin. Naomi is their daughter. Therefore, she is my kin. They are all heroes because one, Naomi, is a super girl.

Naomi almost died during her birth. She has had difficulties to overcome since then. She has special needs. And you know what? She has overcome the obstacles. She will have to deal with them for most of her life, but her parents and her brother will help. And there is no doubt in my mind, Naomi will succeed. i have never known a couple and their son being so dedicated to the uniter, the hero. They are.

Eric is the most loving father i have ever met. His care for his wife, his son, and his daughter seems to have no bounds, and he uses that love for kind and caring discipline as well as affection to give the two young ones a better chance at succeeding. They have and they will.

Stefanie is equally loving and supportive of her family. Her love for Eric is palatable. They are a team, a good team, dedicated to their family. Stephanie is a rock. Naomi also inspired her Stefanie to write two books, I See You Little Naomi, and I See You  LIttle Andrew.The book is for helping children to understand how to relate to other children with special needs (they help the adults as well). i have written of Stefanie’s books  here before.

i don’t see them enough. That is my fault and my loss. Every time i am around them, i feel inspired, happy, awed like i should being amongst family heroes.

i didn’t forget Stefan. Can’t say i’ve seen a finer young man. Good student. Good athlete. Ready for college. Still remembers the Padre game i took him and Eric to a long time ago. But that is just the beginning. Stefan is a hero too. He, like his mother, can write. He wrote an article about his family and his feelings about his sister.  It was published today in the December Alive Magazine, a monthly publication in the East Bay (San  Francisco Bay). It made me smile, it made me weep a bit. It made me proud. After all, i’m kin to a hero. Several of them.

https://aliveeastbay.com/wellness/special-needs-inclusion-it-takes-a-village-2/?fbclid=IwAR0PqjtP8LjT42O8zBB4NYGphyGhGg_3_TMoARyNMv8hJ39Nke0vuy1C7j0

i was just a bit embarrassed. That is what started it all.

Tonight, i was driving home from a meeting right after sunset. The drive through our neighborhood looked more like a drive through a gaudy midway with all of the lights of the Christmas decorations.

There were icicle lights in droves hanging from the eaves. Colored lights were wrapped around everything not moving. Reindeer plastic skeletons were lit with care…and abundance. Blow up figures of every animal species known to man that had littered the yards during the day, were now glowing and puffed up into Pillsbury Dough Boy wannabes. Giant presents, lit of course, were strewn over the yards. A few homes, including two of our neighbors had this new stuff, green and red tiny points of light shimmering on everything from a projection gizmo. Figures of Santa, elves, snowflakes, and Lord knows what else wandering around garage doors. This stuff was everywhere, nearly every yard.

i pulled into my driveway and there was my puny, handmade “NOEL” sign. That’s it except for the Christmas tree, a number of music boxes my sister has given our daughter every year, and a few other decorations inside the house.

i felt ashamed. No, that’s not right. i blamed everyone else for playing the “Christmas Vacation” game of greatest number of lights and decorations and felt smug for a few minutes.

It all got me to thinking in the screwy way i have of going about thinking.

i don’t like the commercialization of Christmas. i don’t like being bombarded by Christmas commercials from every media when it’s still late summer. i don’t like Christmas becoming a huge big party with lots of partying, celebration, and forgetting why it’s the reason for the season as they say. i mean i’m not a big churchgoer, but hey, even if you don’t believe, all this stuff was begun over two thousand and years ago because there was this pretty special kid born under some pretty exceptional circumstances. i mean until some politically correct yahoo tried to ignore it and rename it, our calendar year is based on when this young baby grew up and died in pretty rough fashion.

But then i got to thinking about it. Some people i know are of different faiths than Christianity. Some don’t believe. But they all love Christmas, even though some have tried to claim it’s the holiday season, not Christmas time. Sensitive souls they must be i guess. Way too sensitive to be healthy for them. They celebrate also. They light up the world. They sing carols although other yahoos seem intent on ruining that. They get together with friends and family.

And everyone of them focus on giving gifts to others. Charities of every version for every purpose weighs in and we all give to help in some noble cause.

So thinking about it in my weird way, it occurred to me that the guy who started all of this, that little baby, is probably just fine with that. After all, he really wanted the world to be better, people to be kinder to each other, to enjoy each other, to treat others as they would want to be treated. And at least for a couple of weeks every winter, most of us do exactly that.

So neighbors, shine on.

And a merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night.

i met Amy Beth Hale once when a bank decided to dig up my football field, actually Castle Heights football field named after Stroud Gwynn. It was several years ago when that bank decided they needed a corporate headquarters where once the Castle Heights Tigers ruled the gridiron, soccer field, and track and field site. Several of the alumni of the defunct school attended the sad event and even created a formation roughly of the kind that marched into that sacred ground every Sunday for the parade and pass-in-review. i was in that pass and review roughly 160 times, not counting practice runs.

Amy’s father, Gene Hale was a professor there when i attended. Good teacher. Good man. Amy came along much later. She is currently “Director, Member Services at International Bluegrass Music Association.”

That is why Thursday night, i wished she was here along with a couple of friends. You see, my buddies, Alan and Jim Hicks, Cy Fraser, and i love bluegrass. Alan and Cy are downright aficionados. Alan plays the banjo like his mother, Miss Tarwater, played the banjo in Greenwich Village a long time ago. Cy Fraser bough a mandolin, but i don’t think he has played it very much. i own a guitar. i pluck. About once every two years. Badly. But we all love bluegrass. i teased Alan and Cy about joining me Thursday, figuring they might just be crazy enough to show up from San Francisco and Orcas Island respectively. i didn’t tease Jim because i knew he wouldn’t come from Connecticut.

i was going alone. Maureen’s annual dinner with six of her closest girl friends was  scheduled up at Del Mar for the same evening. But Wednesday night, her dinner was cancelled. It actually rained, really rained in the Southwest corner. With thunderstorms even. Now, i hope you never get caught in the Southwest corner when it rains, even a little. These people go nuts. They have no idea how to drive in the rain. So then Maureen says she might go with me to the symphony. It’s a special show. i’m glad she’s joining me.  She has second thoughts then changes her mind again. And again. Finally, she says she’ll go but is worried about the flooding. i said “Don’t sweat it.” Not the best thing to say. We go in the middle of a gully washer complete with thunder. It doesn’t let up the entire trip to downtown. Maureen gasps about every thirty seconds with a splash of water from a nearby car, a lightning strike, crazy drivers cutting in front of us, crazy drivers almost stopped on the freeway, crazy drivers period.

We make it downtown. It is pouring still. i let her out near the symphony door. i park about a block away. i’m okay because i’m well prepared unlike about seventy-five percent of the other folks living downtown walking about (for some inexplicable reason). i do fine except for the guy with a skateboard tucked under his arm dashing in front of me requiring me to sidestep into ankle deep water by the curb and i’m not that prepared. i don’t have galoshes. Finally, i am inside. Whew.

We take our seats. Some pseudo science guy who admits to be a nerd but he’s too old to be a nerd i think engages Maureen in a conversation about we might live on mars because of the surface conditions or something.

Finally, it begins. The orchestra’s composition is nearly all strings with a harpsichord for the evening’s slate is music from the 17th and 18th centuries. The first piece is just beautiful, lyrical. It’s “Chacony in G Minor by Henry Purcell, written around 1680. i now have another composer for seeking classical music.

Then what i went for is next. Avi Avital is the star artist. He plays the mandolin, a classical mandolin. His first piece is “Winter” from Vivaldi’s “Four Seasons” concerti. Avi plays the mandolin instead of the lead violin. i am entranced. i wish for Alan and Jim and Cy and, of course, Amy Beth.

Avital played his mandolin in Bach’s Concerto No. 1 in D Minor, replacing the lead instrument the harpsichord. Again i am enchanted. Again, i wish for my friends.

Bill Monroe, Vince Gill, and Ricky Skaggs. Les Thompson, eat your hearts out. Avi is that good.

And best of all, when it was over, it had stopped raining. We drove home gaspless. And i played golf the next morning. After all, it was Friday morning.