All posts by Jim

Teeth, Eyes, Hair, Jeans, and the Cleaners: A Curmudgeon’s Rant Gone South

Begun Thursday, May 18. Finished this afternoon.

i should be finishing up Chapter 2 of my serial A Tale of the Sea and Me (For Sam). i should be posting a Democrat column from my “Notes from the Southwest Corner.” i should be posting another “Murphy’s Law” guffaw. i should be activating my new bluetooth transponder so i can play my ancient non-bluetooth devices, like phonograph players, CD players, cassettes, and eventually reel-to-reel tapes — as i disdain using Apple music or others because i want to listen to my music, not what they think i would like to hear. i should be organizing stuff in my garage, clothes closet, and garage. i should be cleaning and polishing my shoes. i should be cleaning the interior of my car, close to the last U.S. non-sports car with a standard transmission.

But no.

The seemingly unending string of curmudgeonly thoughts loosely tied together kept coming. It began when i saw a beautiful young woman…except she had fake eyelashes. To keep it nice, i will say like she looked like an anime from some video, but not pretty. Definitely not as attractive as she would have been with her natural lashes.

From that thought, it was easy to move to my great dislike of women, young or old, wearing jeans that cost absurd amounts of money with torn sections, which my mother would have fixed with patches. But i’ve ranted about that enough.

My travels took me to the cleaners, a return trip. A day earlier, i had retrieved two pairs of dockers pants, one blue and one khaki. When i got home, i discovered the blue trousers had been pressed with the crease in the traditional front, but the khakis had been pressed with the crease, if you can call it that, along the seam. i queried the woman at the counter. She explained the khakis were considered “casual” and that meant they should not have a crease.

i noticed a bunch of folks, young and old, but not as old as me with hair different than what was natural. Men had corn rows, toupees, or shaved sides, or shoulder length, or, heaven forbid, man buns. The women expanded on that and both had the colors of the rainbow, their choice. Remember when hair was black, brown, blonde, or auburn (remember auburn?). Nearly all had tattoos somewhere, often many wheres.

i was about to explode into damning all artificialities on or added to our body parts. Then i thought about my teeth and my friends.

You see, when i was nine, i took a header off my bike onto the sidewalk while on the way to a baseball game. That is a long story, but the short story is half of one of two front teeth was no longer part of my dental makeup. At the time, dental cosmetics had not reached its zenith and for about seven years or so, i had one silver front tooth — why am i thinking of “The Ballad of Cat Ballou.”

But my best friend, and my second best friend growing up fixed that in the winter of my junior year in high school. Henry and Jim, aka Beetle, and i went out to a frozen pond in February to skate or something, without skates of course. We would run through the snow to the pond’s edge and jump with the goal of making it to the other side standing up and unscathed. Somewhere in this endeavor, i did not make it to the other side and took another header, this time on the rough ice of the pond.

i got rid of that silver tooth…and what remained of the original one. Henry and Beetle deposited on the front steps of my house. i think my mother realized the real culprit and never chastised the Harding boys. The good news i got a bridge with a tooth that looked pretty good. For someone totally void of compassion, i delighted the next week when playing in a JV basketball game, the kid guarding me left the court to throw up because he was staring at a face with a tooth missing and scars that arched from his mouth up to his ears on both sides, looking like a small version of “The Creature from the Black Lagoon.”

Then, this guy pulled out into an intersection, ignoring the stop sign around midnight and i caught him flush with my Volvo, Another front tooth bit the dust…or rather bit the steering wheel, and the bridge was then for two.

And while i was executive officer aboard USS Yosemite, a cook from the wardroom mess brought me a fresh pear. i was pleased, leaned back in my office chair and took a bite. The pear was so fresh, it was hard. When i bit into it and tried to pry it from my front teeth, i was successful in pulling out the bridge and one of the anchor teeth along with the pear.

That’s three.

Then after retiring a piece of food, in spite of my flossing, hung up in crevasse next to an anchor tooth. the anchor tooth eroded.

So now i have four false teeth in front, held in place by that bridge.

i then considered all of my friends. There are very few who haven’t had some body part replacement, knee, shoulder, hip, ankles, etc.

Therefore, i think it might be a tad hypocritical for me to rant about artificial body parts. Because without such medical marvels, i would make Billy the Kid look like a dentist office ad.

During all of this deep thought, i picked up my pants at the cleaners. When i got home i discovered they were pressed along the seam without a crease in front. When i returned to our cleaners, i asked why. It seems my pants are “casual pants” that do not get a crease in the front. i’m guessing i’m supposed to go out with women who wear torn jeans that cost around $200.

It is not happening. My wife will not wear torn jeans.

And so, i must admit, i am a relic. i no longer can fit in. i am fine with that. i don’t recall any phase in my life where i really fit in.

But i do regret what we have lost. Remember back when (for those that can). We dressed up every Sunday and for any big event. We wore shirts and ties and no one, no one wore sneakers — in fact, you only wore sneakers on athletic courts. We didn’t go out without our shirts tucked in. Women wore skirts and looked great, attractive but not suggestive.

I think we took more pride in how we looked. We didn’t go for easy and relaxed. We went for pride in ourselves…i think.

Either is not bad i guess. But i am from a different place and a different time. i’m sort of glad my momma sewed patches on the torn parts of my jeans, that i don’t look like Billy the Kid with fewer teeth, and folks, i gotta let you know you will never see me with false eyelashes.

Shadow Mountain Fun

In 2015, Steve and Maria Frailey invited us to join them for a “glamping” trip to the wineries in Warner Springs, a farming community in the northeast San Diego County high desert. It was marvelous. The Shadow Mountain Winery is a wonderful place.

The first vineyard at the winery planted in 1945 is named “Old Gus” for the original owners AuGUStus and Helen Mase. Steve wanted to take a photo of us in the old tub next to the vineyard. We both laughed and hopped in. When Maureen finally realized it could be construed as being like the Viagra commercial on television at the time, she was embarrassed. i love it.

i could not figure out how to share it as a memory on Facebook, even though it’s a great memory. Thank you, Steve.

A Tale of the Sea and Me (for Sam), 002

After reading my first post on my serial book, several folks have asked me about the periodicity for publishing. i was astounded, even felt complimented that there are folks out there who think i might have a plan, and if i did, i might just might stick to it.

Well, that ain’t the case, folks. My plan is for this to be my top priority in writing until it’s finished. They may come out daily or every week or so. i hope this does not disappoint you, but i am retired (except for this, you see), and i really do things when the mood strikes. We’ll see. i hope you enjoy.

And Sam, you don’t have to enjoy. You don’t even have to read, at least right now. But these are for you.

You Are In the Navy Now, Chapter 002

My Navy sea stories at Vanderbilt are limited except for the third class midshipman cruise in the summer of 1963. But to give Sam of an idea of how i got to my sea stories, here’s a very truncated recap:

i made several bad decisions. i partied and i drank, too much of both. In two years and one summer semester, i flunked out. That venture and the ensuing ones are stories of their own. But the summer after my first year, 1963, served as my introduction to sea stories…and there were several doozies.

The first began before i actually boarded my first ship for the third class midshipman cruise, the USS Lloyd Thomas (DD 764). i had unwisely taken the travel money to get to Newport, Rhode Island where i would embark on the Thomas. Most midshipmen took the paid airfare to arrive. I ended up not making any money as was my plan. My choice was traveling by bus. i left Nashville on a Trailways at noon on Saturday and arrived in Newport at 0700 on Monday morning. It was 42 hours of travel in an unseasonably warm early June with stops for travelers departing and boarding and meals. It was all in the only service dress khaki uniform i had. It was a dress khaki shirt with black tie, gabardine khaki trousers and blouse, black shoes and socks and a combination cover, again khaki.

When my bus reached downtown Newport, to put it politely, i stunk.

Things got worse. When they offloaded our seabags, mine wasn’t there. After some lengthy confusion, the bus agents told me my seabag had not been transferred when we changed buses in Providence, adding it should arrive on the next bus and would be delivered to my ship before we got underway.

It didn’t.

i was stuck with no uniforms. None, not my other dress uniforms, not my midshipmen working khakis, not my dungarees, not my middie dixie cup caps with the blue fringe, not my underwear and socks, not my toiletries.

As the Thomas got underway, someone sent a message stating my seabag was just delivered to another ship on the cruise and would be transferred by hi-line, which should occur soon. “Soon” turned out be three weeks.

i was not distraught, but “concerned” is too mild.

When we all met the executive officer in the wardroom, he greeted us, gave us some ground rules for being part of ship’s company, then told us we would muster on the 02 level forward of the bridge above while we stood out of the channel to sea. Before we left the wardroom, he directed the ASW officer, the midshipmen coordinator, to see if they could get some enlisted dungarees for me to wear until my seabag arrived. He also directed the supply officer to open up ship’s store and let me purchase toiletries…after we were secured from sea detail.

We filed up to the 02 level where Mount 52 had been removed during the Fleet Rehabilitation and Modernization Program the year before i came on board. She was a “FRAM 2,” which meant she did not get an Anti-Submarine Rocket (ASROC) launcher and her torpedo tubes remained amidships unlike the FRAM I, which had the ASROC launcher amidships and torpedo tubes where Mount 52 had been.

The 18 third-class midshipmen and the 3 first-class midshipmen fell into formation in full view of the bridge a deck above and aft of us. For the duration of the approximate six nautical mile transit to the sea buoy, we stood at parade rest with an occasional at ease. For the first 10 minutes, we were at parade rest.

Now midshipmen were considered “fresh meat” for pranks by the crew. We were even better than recruits for the sailors could yank the chains of college students. They delighted in such fun, and the chief petty officers were the champion pranksters. One senior chief was the star. His target was the formation of midshipmen.

He grabbed one of the small paper “seasick” bags hung on hand rails around the ship when the ship first got underway for those who had to adjust to the sea, getting their sea legs, and likely getting sick several times. The senior chief struck below to chief’s quarters and the galley. He grabbed a large handful of graham crackers, crunched them up in the seasick bag, and then filled the bag with milk. He shook the bag until he was sure the mixture was complete.

Then he went up the port ladder to the deck where we were in formation. the senior chief was under the port bridge wing so anyone on the bridge could not see him. But by cutting our eyes while at parade rest, all of the midshipmen could see and hear him.

He was seemingly ignoring us but proclaimed, “Yep, every time i have gone to see for 18 years, i have to get sea sick before getting my sea legs.” He paused and said in a distressed voice. And it’s happening again.”

With that, he began to gag and choke and leaned against the safety lines. He leaned his head over the safety lines and brought the seasick bag up to his mouth. For about a half minute, he feigned retching, gagging, and, as we called it, chucking up into the seasick bag.

By now the midshipmen had dropped their parade rest and were earnestly watching the drama unfold. The senior chief raised the bag in his hand up to his mouth again and tilted it up again as he announced, “And there is only one way to cure it.” He began pouring the mixture down his mouth making sure most of the contents missed and poured down his face and uniform and on the deck. He crumbled the bag and threw it over the side, turned and struck below.

That did it. Only three of the midshipmen remained in formation. The rest had rushed to the sides and were barfing like crazy, some too soon to make it to the side. The bridge was amazed to watch what they must have believed were the greatest collection of pansies in midshipmen uniforms that they had ever seen.

To this day, i will never understand why i was one of the three who did not get sick. i didn’t feel that good, but i made it through that ordeal, little realizing the worst was to come before my first day at sea was completed.

Perhaps it was an omen about my Naval career long before i had any intention of making it a career.

(Chapter 2 to be continued)

Mothers

Tomorrow is one of those days again. i do not like, rail against institutionalized holidays honoring folks and things. i like to choose who i honor when and not be dictated into doing it on certain days. But hey, i am one of this crowd and would be even more out of place if i didn’t pay homage as dictated, although i try to ignore most. But one of those mosts is not tomorrow. No, not tomorrow. There are a certain bunch of people in my life whom i would never ignore.

Mothers.

There have been many of those wonderful women who are not mentioned here due to space limitations. There are my three aunts: Naomi Jewell Martin; Evelyn Prichard Orr; and Bettye Kate Prichard Jewell, the other mother to me and many others even though she never had children of her own. There is Nancy Orr Winkler Schwarze who was the first woman of my generation of Prichard children to have a child. There is my sister Martha and her daughter-in-law Abby. There is my sister-in-law Carla and her daughter Kate. And many others. Then, there are those who have been and are very close to me.

Blythe. She is a special mother. i am always thrilled to hear of her talk about her son, my grandson Sam. She’s doing this mother thing right.

Then there is this woman who has yet to have a child of her own, but is a remarkable second mother to many, many children. Sarah. She had special relationship with Sam, her nephew, much like my Aunt Bettye Kate with me (and others), that other mother.

And then there was mine. Estelle. She could be and often was tough with me, holding me to task. But i earned her need for being tough. Maureen often comments about how i must have been a handful for my mother. And not once, never, did i feel like Estelle did not have unconditional love for me, her daughter, and her other son.

Kathie. i can hardly write this without crying. Her love for her daughter and then her grandson, my daughter and my grandson, was never ending. Many of my decisions, including agreeing to a divorce, were based on knowing her unconditional love for our daughter, and knowing that love would make things all right…and they were. She left us too early, but her love is still around.

Obviously, i have saved this one to last. i failed in finding a photo of her, Sarah, and Blythe together. My organization in photographs is as bad or worse than my disorganization in all things. But she is the mother to both, second to Kathie in Blythe’s case, but unconditional for both, and for that matter Blythe’s husband Jason and our grandson Sam. She always brings joy to me when i watch her convey that love to her children.

All of these women are different in many ways. But there is one constant, a mind-blowing unconditional love for their children. The mother-child relationship has no boundaries when it comes to love. i feel lucky to be around that love.

May all of you mothers out there have a “Happy Mothers Day.” If anyone, any event or thing, deserves a dedicated holiday, it is you.

Bless you.