it has dawned on me just a tad late: i am me.
i mean that seems like it would be self evident, like i would have figured that out in my first moments of cognition, which for most folks is probably somewhere just north of two years old.
i am a late bloomer. After all, i really didn’t s start growing up for real until sometime in my sixties — earlier, i have claimed to reach adulthood on numerous occasions only to prove such claims false — and even that is suspect. i am a slow learner.
So growing up, becoming an adult for real, has taken an inordinate amount of time for me.
Figuring out i am me puts me somewhere up in the stratosphere. Another world.
In realizing/accepting/dealing with/buying into being me, i am more comfortable with me than i have ever been in my life.
It’s a good feeling.
There are people — i don’t know how many and no longer care — who have a different perception of me. They have bad vibes. From their angle, i guess i did something wrong. i, of course, had no intention of doing something wrong, but that doesn’t matter. Now that i’ve figured out i am me, it just doesn’t matter anymore. That’s their take. i don’t own it nor do i take any responsibility for their perception. Furthermore, if it makes them feel good to have me as a negative perception i’m okay with that. In fact, if their perception of me makes them live life better, i am glad i could help. Even though i would like it to be different, would like to be perceived as a good influence, not a bad one, i’m fine with that and wish them well. i am fine with i am me, just don’t expect me to go out of my way to make the relationship better. That’s their ballgame, not mine.
i guess what i’m trying to express here is i have spent a great deal of time trying project a good impression, but no longer. Ole Mr. Waldo, (Ralph Waldo Emerson) had it right: “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
i think i have, for the most part, reached that point. Man, it feels…well, i as going to write “good” but “comfortable” is actually so much better.
This getting to feeling “i am comfortable” began about eight months ago. A couple of years ago, i had a personal relationship with someone very special to me go south. i found i could not stop thinking about the situation. i would have an old man wakeup in the middle of the night and not get back to sleep for pretty much the rest of the night because i could not stop thinking about it.
So i decided to seek counseling to help me. Through a bit of a search, and some psychologists having a full slate, i ended up seeing Martina Clarke. Almost every day after our first couple of sessions, i honor the stars for hooking me up with Doctor Clarke.
She guided me through fixing my incessant over-thinking. As we did this, she helped me in so many ways to help me deal with many problems. More importantly, she gave me a look at myself and how i needed to change to grow up and accept me.
And a month or so ago, i could feel it happening. i am me. Not perfect, not some blessed wise man. But i am who i am. And that is just fine.
Before we reach this year’s seventh month, i will make some significant decisions about what i want to do with the rest of my life.
i am not writing this as some kind of confessional although i’m pretty sure this reads that way to many. i’m writing this because this blog now feels like i’m just talking to personal friends. You. That’s the way i am now. Me.
The other reason i am writing this is one decision has already been made. Before i go on my self-claimed writing retreat to Flagstaff in about two weeks. i no longer plan to post anything on my blog or Facebook with topic of politics, religion, cultural, or things like that.
There are a couple of things i want to express about those kinds of things, and they will show up here in the next week or so. But that will be it. This site will be dedicated to being me, not all of that stuff that makes us contrary (as my mother used to say). i don’t need it nor wish to put it out there to make you contrary.
You see, i am me. i don’t need to be anything else anymore.
i might make grownup this time.